Dear Dan: I’m a gay man in my 40s. I very much love my husband, but two years ago we acknowledged that our desire for each other sexually just wasn’t there anymore. Thanks in part to reading your column for many years, we were able to have a calm conversation about whether we wanted to remain together in a companionate marriage or split up. We decided to stay together, and I’m glad we did. Sex was the thing we fought about most, and our relationship improved when we took that conflict off the table. My husband has a couple of fuck buddies that he sees, while I do most of my playing online. (We had this conversation at the start of the pandemic and playing online feels safer.)
One of things I’ve able to explore in the last year is FinDom. I really get off on sending money that we can spare to younger, hotter guys and being degraded for my pains. Thing is, almost all the guys doing FinDom are straight. It’s often a part of their persona they play up: They’re hot straight guys demanding cash tributes from “pathetic fags” that they would never touch in real life. As much as I like having my wallet drained by a hot young straight guy calling me a fag, I would so much rather give my money to a hot and dominant young gay man. Why do so few gay young men get into this? Do young gay men realize how much money they’re leaving on the table? Could you please tell them?
— Chances Are Some Hot FinDoms Are Gay
Dear CASHFAG: “I don’t know why there aren’t more gay FinDoms out there,” says Master AJ, “but I’m certainly not the only one.”
AJ is a 23-year-old sexually dominant gay man who lives, works and drains gay subs all over the world from his home base in the Pacific Northwest. He first stumbled over the FinDom scene on Twitter when he was a kinky gay college student struggling to pay his rent. “I was working two jobs and while I wasn’t desperate, I was thinking about money a lot,” AJ says. “So, the idea of being in control, which I was already really into, and dominating someone by demanding cash from him that he’d earned? It was a huge rush.”
Most male FinDoms go to such great lengths to emphasize how straight they are that AJ sometimes wonders. “There are no male Doms I’ve seen draining cisgender women,” Master AJ says. “So, if these guys really are straight, they would have to stumble on the gay FinDom scene or have the idea to start targeting a community they weren’t a part of in order to establish themselves.” And having seen how much pleasure so many straight-identified male FinDoms get out of dominating gay men, “it seems possible that at least some of these guys aren’t being completely truthful about their sexualities.”
Why would a gay or bi male FinDom claim to be straight? Because, as AJ points out, it’s going to make him more appealing to a significant segment of the gay finsub community. “There are a lot of gay men who fetishize being bullied by straight men,” AJ says. “And a lot of gay subs enjoy the idea that they are tributing to someone who will never be attracted to them. Which I find kind of laughable because being gay doesn’t necessarily mean a guy has a chance with me.”
There’s also the issue of anti-gay slurs in FinDom play and how those slurs land.
“Slurs get used a lot in the FinDom/kink scenes,” says AJ, “and they really can sound and feel different depending on the sexuality of the speaker.” Meaning, for some gay men being called a fag by a straight guy in a safe, controlled and consensual ways — like during a cash draining session — feels more degrading (in a sexy way) than being called a fag by another fag ever could. “But other gay men prefer gay FinDoms because they don’t like hearing slurs from straight men,” AJ says.
Zooming out for a second …
While it may be the case that a small handful of gay FinDoms pretend to be straight to attract gay subs, CASHFAG, I think something else is going on here. Namely, financial domination and other forms of online sex work have so lowered the “gay for pay” bar that the kind of straight man who wouldn’t have been able to profit off gay males lust 20 years ago — because he wouldn’t have sex with other men on camera for money — is now posting photos of his feet on Twitter, flipping off the camera and ordering his gay followers to pay “fag tax” for the privilege of looking at him.
Just as straight, gay-for-pay porn stars managed (and still manage) to get off doing gay porn, there are straight male FinDoms getting off on what they do. “I know I enjoy draining cash from men I find unattractive,” AJ says. “Being dominant turns me on even if I’m not into the person. So, there could be straight male FinDoms out there who get some sort of sexual satisfaction from draining gay men but are still straight.” And it’s easy to see why a straight male FinDom who got a little turned on during an online draining session with a gay male sub might make a point of emphasizing his straightness — not just to rub his sub’s nose in it, CASHFAG, but to reassure himself.
Still, even though there are more straight FinDoms out there than gay ones, AJ’s bank account and spotlessly clean bathroom proves you don’t have to be a hot straight guy to be a successful FinDom. He’s always been very open about being gay, CASHFAG, and not only do gay male subs all over the world send him cash, but local gay male subs clean his apartment and run errands for him.
“I’ve had a good experience with this,” AJ says. “It’s been both profitable and enjoyable and I’ve made great connections with so many people, including other gay Doms. I’ve always really liked talking to other gay men — whether they are submissive and into FinDom or just intrigued by my profile.”
And if you really want to attract other gay men like him to the FinDom scene, CASHFAG, AJ suggests making an effort to find out gay FinDoms who are already online, diligently promote their content with likes and retweets and — of course — sending your favorite FinDom(s) all the money you can reasonably spare.
“Because when you think about it,” AJ says, “tributing to a gay FinDom is like supporting a small queer business, and that’s something we should all be doing.”
Follow Master AJ on Twitter at @CashMasterAJ1.
Dear Dan: Many years ago, as an apprentice cocksucker, I hooked up with a guy whose online profile indicated that he was uncut. I’m a Person of Foreskin myself, and I prefer uncut men, and his intact status was a selling point. Upon arrival, it was instantly clear that this gentleman had been circumcised. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.) Not only was his dick cut, it was cut highly, tightly and very visibly. When I asked him about the misinformation, he got defensive.
I think about this episode from time to time as I search for new and exciting cocks with which to do cock-related things. Every time I go in search of cock, without fail, I encounter men who claim to be uncut who are clearly cut. (I’ve enclosed a few pics sent by “uncut” men who do not, in fact, have foreskins!) The opposite has also happened: self-identified “cut” men who are unambiguously “whole.” But the latter is much rarer an occurrence than the shockingly common false-uncut self-reporters.
Have the terms “uncut” and “cut” fallen from the lexicon? Are men that unfamiliar with their own anatomy? Is it a generational or regional thing? What’s going on?
Unexplained Nomenclature Confuses Usual Terminology
Dear UNCUT: I suppose it’s possible that a small number of men out there don’t know whether they’re circumcised. But I think the obvious explanation is the likelier one: These men are telling you — a prospective new sex partner — what they think you wanna hear. A cut guy will tell you he’s uncut (or vice-versa) because he’s concluded you prefer uncut dick (or vice-versa). Then he sends you a photo of his actual dick, essentially asking, “Who you gonna believe? Me or your lying eyes?”
You’re being gaslit with dick pics, UNCUT. You’re being dicklit.
Follow Dan: @FakeDanSavage on Twitter
Columns, podcasts, books, merch and more: savage.love